


I don't want to face the world in tears

by cryptidserpent



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Agender Character, Agender Kozume Kenma, Coming Out, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Kenma uses they/them pronouns, Kuroo is the best boyfriend, Other, half of this is just Kenma's inner monologue, it's brief and not at all explicit but just warning you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-16
Updated: 2017-03-16
Packaged: 2018-10-06 04:38:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,261
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10325765
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cryptidserpent/pseuds/cryptidserpent
Summary: Kenma doesn't have time for your silly gender binary. They do have time for Kuroo, though.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Title is from Of the Night by Bastille.
> 
> This is my first contribution to the Haikyuu!! fandom and I wrote it at 2 am and edited it at 8 in the morning after getting 3 hours of sleep, so I apologize if none of this makes sense (I was also procrastinating writing ch 6 of Starboy, but that's neither here nor there).
> 
> I have a million trans headcanons for this damn volleyball anime, and Kenma is my child, so have some agender content about my favorite pudding head.
> 
> Side note: Can I please have a Kuroo??

Kenma put the finishing touches on the wings of their eyeliner before stepping in front of the full-length mirror that hung off the back of their bedroom door. A striped crop top hugged their flat chest and a skater skirt hung off of their slender hips.

 

A small smirk adorned the corners of their mouth as Kenma allowed themself to admire their reflection. This felt right. The thigh-high socks that gently gripped the skin of their thighs and the wings that accented their amber eyes felt right.

 

Kenma had been wearing more typically female clothes in private for a while now, but they had yet to gather the confidence to wear any of it out in public. It’s not that they were ashamed of their less-than-typical identity, it’s just that if they were to wear the clothes they really wanted to out in public, it would make this whole thing so much more real. And they weren’t sure if that would be a good thing or not.

 

Kenma had always been more or less invisible, and they liked it that way. They had Kuroo, and the rest of their team, and more recently Hinata, but for the most part Kenma was able to fade into the background and peacefully observe the goings on of life around them. People were always telling them that it was important to be “an active member of society” but Kenma had never understood that. After all, what the fuck had society ever done for them? According to society, people like them didn’t even exist. In the eyes of society, not having a gender was not _real_. So even though Kenma knew themself that they and their identity were valid, they had a hard time getting excited about sharing it with the world around them.

 

Kenma thought that it would be a beautiful thing if they could abandon their body to exist solely as spirit. Maybe then they wouldn’t have to deal with the desire to slice up their thighs every time someone referred to them with gendered language.

 

People talk all the time about “wanting to be a part of something bigger,” but no one actually gives a shit about that. No one cares about anything except for the superficial things that society tells them to care about. Things like: _Did I study enough to pass this test? Does this person like me? Does this person hate me? Am I doing a good enough job of pretending to give a shit about everything that people are supposed to give a shit about?_

 

The only thing that Kenma had grudgingly admitted to be a valid part of society was love. Which was disgusting, Kenma had never wanted to be one of those people that rested their happiness in the arms of another person, but Kenma loved Kuroo. They really, _really_ loved him. And to be honest, they never had a choice in the matter. Kuroo had wormed his way into Kenma’s life and Kenma’s heart and Kenma’s soul, and they had been helpless to stop him. Kenma barely remembered a time when Kuroo did not hold their heart, and they certainly couldn’t imagine a universe where they did not love Kuroo Tetsurou. Which was why they could never ignore him for long.

 

Kenma’s phone had been buzzing with texts for the past couple of minutes and the noise had finally shaken them from their thoughts. Grabbing their phone and clapping their headphones over their ears, Kenma flopped down onto their bed with a sigh, not even bothering to fix their skirt when it came up around their hips (no one was there to see their cute kitten underwear, anyway).

 

The past seven texts and three snapchats were from Kuroo. Kenma tried to ignore the way that this still made their belly tingle and their heart race.

 

_Hey babe~_

_Okay if I come over?_

_Ken_

_Kenma?_

_You’re probably just playing games in your room aren’t you?_

 

_I’m coming over_

_Be there in 10 xx_

The door to Kenma’s room banged open. “Hey babe, I dunno if you got my t-”

 

Kuroo stopped dead in the doorway, staring slack jawed as Kenma scrambled to sit up and smooth down their skirt. “Ken, what...?”

 

Kenma could feel the hot threat of tears burn against the backs of their eyelids and they violently yanked off their headphones and attempted to cover their face with their hands.

 

The soft sound of Kuroo approaching the bed had Kenma’s heart slamming against their ribcage and when Kuroo reached out to grab Kenma’s wrists, their body began to shake as if it was attempting to self-destruct.

 

“Hey, babe, it’s okay. You’re okay. I’m here.” Kuroo gently removed Kenma’s hands from their face, but Kenma just squeezed their eyes shut and shook their head back and forth.

 

They hadn’t even realized the tears leaking onto their cheeks before Kuroo said gently, “Don’t cry, kitten. You’ll ruin your lovely makeup.”

 

Slowly, gradually, Kenma stopped shaking and opened their eyes. Kuroo smiled softly. “There’re those pretty eyes.”

 

Kenma frowned. “You’re not…you’re not disgusted?”

 

Kuroo looked as though Kenma had slapped him. “Disgusted? Baby, no. Nothing about you could ever disgust me. Why should I care what you wear? I love you. You’re so pretty, Kenma. Such a pretty boy.”

 

Kenma winced and shook their head. “’M not a boy, Ku. That’s the problem.” A ragged sob ripped its way out of their throat.

 

“Shh. Shh. Okay. That’s okay.” Kuroo squeezed Kenma’s hands reassuringly. “Are you a girl?”

 

Kenma smiled weakly. “No. I’m agender. I’ve never felt like I belong with any gender, so I don’t think I have one. I’m just Kenma.” They shrugged self-deprecatingly. “It doesn’t really change too much, I still love you a ridiculous amount. I just don’t like people to use gendered language to refer to me, and sometimes I like to do things that society says people with penises shouldn’t do. Like wear skirts and winged eyeliner.”

 

Kuroo leaned in to press a chaste kiss to Kenma’s lips. “I love you. I’ll always love you. I’ll never leave you. You’re my whole world, and I’ll help you with this in any way that I can. If you want help telling people, I’ll hold your hand while you do it. If you want to keep it between us, that’s fine too. But I never want you to think that any part of yourself is somehow inferior just because you don’t fit into some made up box that society tries to force people into. You’re not alone, and I know I’ll probably fuck up sometimes, but I promise to try my hardest to never misgender you. And if I do, you have my full permission to not set to me for a week afterwards.”

 

Kenma rolled their eyes. “Kuroo~, don’t be so dramatic.”

 

Kuroo smirked. “You love me.”

 

“Yes, I do,” said Kenma fondly. “Now kiss me, you idiot.”

 

\----

 

As time passed, Kenma grew more and more comfortable in their skin, and even started wearing skirts and a soft layer of makeup when they went out with Kuroo. This gradually translated into being unapologetically themselves in front of the rest of Nekoma (and Hinata, of course).

 

One day at a joint practice, Bokuto skipped over and asked Kuroo how his boyfriend was doing.

 

Kuroo laughed and punched Bokuto in the shoulder. “Don’t have a boyfriend, Bo-chan. I have Kenma.”

 

Bokuto frowned quizzically but shrugged and sauntered off to torment Akaashi.

 

Kenma blushed so hard that they accidentally set a ball straight into Hinata’s face.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading! :*
> 
> If you want to hear or share more trans hcs (either about Haikyuu!! or pretty much anything else) please swing by my [tumblr](http://rainbow-yuuri.tumblr.com/)


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